Magic and Steel
by nivlac
Summary: The Lone Wanderer was enjoying the start of a completely normal, raider-less vacation day. It would have been complete with booze, a dead body, and a snarky robot butler serving up coffee, but when a random green portal eats the aforementioned robot along with our intrepid hero, he has to deal with the following: Magic, Pricks, A little pink turd, and a lack of guns "Fuckin' shit."
1. Chapter 1

**I finally did it.**

 **Future chapters will be longer in length.**

 **Old chapters have been exported and I will put them up in a separate story later. So we can all remember how awful it was.**

Michael opened his crusty eyes slowly, seeing the white brown stained mattress that he had been resting in. His hangover was apparent, due to the crushing headache and the violent urge to smash an idiot raiders head in like a watermelon. He grabbed both sides of his mattress, and pushed himself up. The cold morning air sent shivers across his scarred skin, and he coughed up phlegm onto the rusted metal floor of his room. It came out thick and green, and he had the sudden urge to drink even more booze. Sure, it wasn't exactly good for him, and certainly wouldn't help with his god damned headache.

But fuck it.

He stood up from his mattress, and cracked his back, his spine popping to his satisfaction. He heard the sound of chair legs scraping the floor in the room next to his, and Michael rolled his eyes. He took his cask of whisky from atop his white corner desk, and swallowed a mouthful, the liquid burning his throat (in a good way) on the trip down. He smiled.

Booze was good, booze was great, booze made him not want to fucking evaporate… something.

He wasn't good at rhyming, but he shouldn't have been, he was hung-over. He had every right to not be able to rhyme today! Fuck rhyming! He grabbed a black ceramic mug off of his desk, and gave it a test swing. Michael nodded to the cup, and marched over to the room next to his.

It was literally just outside of his door, he just had to merely step out of his room, and there it was. He twisted the rusted door handle, and swung it open, seeing a bloody gagged man tied to a lawn chair that Michael had found exploring the wastes. It was an excellent lawn chair, made of the finest of cheap plastics and elastics.

Wait.

He just rhymed, without even trying. That was the key.

To be good at rhyming words, he had to not try.

"I don't mean to pry" (Damn he was good!) "But I need to know where you guys got those chairs, now don't tell a lie." (Hot shit!) Michael said, pinching his brow.

He took this guy from the wasteland and found out that his entire gang had a huge assortment of really nice prewar lawn chairs. Very nice prewar lawn chairs. Like they hadn't even been touched by nuclear war or anything. Michael didn't really care about that kind of stupid bullshit, but if anyone should be allowed to sit in a really comfortable lawn chair, it should only be him.

Definitely not shit headed raiders, faggot ass little fucks.

"Mmmmphhh!" The raider replied through his gag.

Michael scraped gunk out of his ear with his pinky.

"You know, yellin' isn't nice." Michael said, bashing the mug he grabbed earlier against the raiders skull. "You fuck!"

Much to the wanderer's surprise, the mug did not shatter, and he smiled to himself as the raiders eyes shut.

"Huh, good cup." He stated, walking back out of the room and shutting the door behind him.

He yawned, and avoided staring at any light directly; else his headache would likely murder him to death. Today was going to be a lazy day; Michael didn't plan on adventuring out in the wastes today. Hell, there wasn't much left for him to do out there anyway. Hell, the only reason he brought lawn chair guy back here was because he was bored.

Was a dumb quest he created for himself, who the fuck wants to find out about fresh lawn chairs? Fucking whatever. Michael quickly charged back into that room, and smashed the mug against the raider's skull over and over again until he could feel the bone crack beneath the tough ceramic. Michael stopped his vicious beating for a moment to see if the raider was still breathing.

He saw no movement from the raider's chest. Michael smiled, and looked the cup over.

Not even a scratch on the cup.

"Damn good fuckin' mug. Smashed your mug up pretty damn good." Michael said to the corpse of the raider.

Michael yawned again, exiting the room and shutting the door behind him once more. He walked over to the railing that looked over his rusty metal living room, and cupped his hand around his mouth.

"Wadsbitch! Put some fuckin' coffee on!" Michael shouted, retreating back into his room.

He heard a robotic sigh as he slipped on his black Chinese stealth suit. Sleek yet comfortable. He let the part that covered his head dangle off the nape of his neck like a hood, and climbed into his winterized t-51b power armor, twisting the valve on the back that opened it up. The snow colored metal was full of dents, scratch marks, and the occasional plasma burn mark. This thing had never let him down, and even on a lazy day like this, he would wear it. He almost felt naked without it, even in his own home.

And he couldn't forget to pack some heat of course!

Michael swiped black hawk off of the top of his corner desk, knocking another coffee mug full of pencils onto the floor in the process. He shrugged it off, and attached it to the magnetized metal. He had a rule; he could never be five feet away from any of his weapons in a "Safe Space" at any given time, even in his own home. Which was why every five feet he went there was a random weapon mounted on or leaned up against a wall. Or just laying on a table.

God he loved guns.

He carried the helmet in his one free arm, and walked down the metal steps that led to his front room. Large computers beeped and booped as they operated in separate corners of his home, with a large center console in front of his bobble head stand. The little blue suited blonde haired fucks nodded at him with approval. Michael nodded back in confirmation of his awesomeness.

Wait.

Was that even a word? Awesomeness? Well, he was going to make it a fuckin' word if it wasn't, because it described him perfectly. How else to you describe a guy with a rockin' beard that toppled the enclave, committed mass genocide against mutants, irradiated animals, raiders, and even fucking aliens? Not to mention all of the robots that he'd taken apart before with nothing but a metal pipe. Who does that shit in the wasteland besides him?

Oh, that's right.

No one else.

Michael was the best killer in the Capital Wasteland, and fuck anyone else who thought otherwise. Jericho called him a goody two shoes or whatever. Fuck Jericho. Jericho hadn't seen half the shit Michael had seen, and he hasn't killed even half the amount of living things that Michael had. That vapid cunt.

He shook his head, and decided to put on his helmet, maybe that would help with the headache with its polarizing visor. Nice and secure.

He looked around, and frowned when he noticed that he couldn't see Wadsworth.

"Waddy boy? Fucking hell I swear if you tried to break out again I'll fuckin' break you down for parts. I mean it this time." Michael said, cracking his knuckles.

He noticed out of the corner of his eye that there was a green glow around the corner. He furrowed his brow at this, because the only thing around that corner was an irradiated sink and a fridge full of food and a freezer full of decapitated fingers. He blinked, and saw that it was still there.

He sighed, and walked over to the source of the green light. His Geiger counter wasn't going off, so it was either broken or that sickly green light wasn't irradiated. Which was retarded, everything is irradiated. A lot like Michaels sense of humor.

When he rounded the corner, his eyes widened with surprise when he saw Wadsworth partially sticking out of a giant orb of green light. Only one of his metal limbs was sticking out of it, and Michael gripped onto it tightly.

"Not today Waddy boy! I have a bunch of pencils I spilled upstairs! Your shiny metal ass isn't going anywhere!" Michael shouted.

No matter how much he tugged however, he could not pull the machine out of the light. In fact, it was like the light was sucking him into it as well. His hands had sunken in after it as well, and Michael frowned.

"Fuck it, sorry Wadsworth I ain't dying because of you." Michael stated, attempting to remove his hands from the portal.

He let out a silent scream when he realized that he could not get his hands free.

"No! No! Fuck! Fuck! Dogmeat! Goddamit dog fuckin' get someone!" Michael shouted to his hound.

He heard scratches at the door, and would have face palmed if his hands weren't stuck. He must have put the dog outside to use the bathroom while he was drunk and forgot to let him back in.

"Dammit boy do smart dog shit and open the fuckin' door!" Michael shouted.

His arms were now elbow deep in the portal, and it was starting to tickle.

More scratching at the door.

"At least shit on Jericho's mat one more time for me boy!" Michael shouted.

He heard a bark of agreement, and Michael smiled. His shoulders were now consumed by the green portal and- wait.

Why did he assume it was a portal? He didn't know shit about this thing! Sure, he could still feel his arms and all that, but that didn't automatically make it a portal. Where the fuck did it go if it was one? Was he getting abducted again? If so he didn't mind, that just meant he had to do the same thing before and kill everything, which coincidentally was also his policy on… well everything.

Killing stuff just worked out for him; ten times out of ten. Those retarded green aliens fell for the whole 'let's pretend to beat the shit out of each other' gag. Sure, they were aliens, but they were advanced enough to know that would lead to them getting the shit kicked out of em.

Okay.

So best case scenario, it was a portal that lead to god knows where.

Worst case scenario, it's a sphere of annihilation that only destroys what's inside it when the whole thing is in it.

Either way he wouldn't be seeing home in a while. Which also meant that when he got back, his fuckin' house was going to reek of dead raider. He wasn't looking forward to that.

…

…

…

Louise began coughing her lungs out, her ears still ringing with pain from her summoning spell. Black smoke clouded her vision, and soot stained her clothes. Her long pink hair that she had spent most of the morning brushing was now ruined, matted down with the aforementioned soot and sticking up in random places.

"That's the Zero for you!" She heard Kirche's sultry voice shout.

Stupid big titted bimbo.

Eventually, the smoke cleared, and she blinked her pink colored eyes. Laying on the ground flat on their back was either a man clad in snow colored plate armor, or some kind of steel golem. Louise let out a sigh of relief; this was actually… somewhat acceptable, especially if it was a steel golem! She cocked her head slightly when she saw some sort of six limbed metal ball floating above the steel golem. The three limbs on the top held glowing orbs that seemed to observe its surroundings, as if they functioned as eyeballs.

The bottom three limbs were tipped with tools. One of them was a metal pincer, another was some sort of contraption with a small flame coming out of the tip, and the final one was a circular saw blade. It floated in the air because of what appeared to be a central propulsion system, which made the air under it become depressed from the force.

The multi-limbed thing slowly approached her, and leaned its central eye close to the pinkettes face.

" _Hello young miss! I am Wadsworth, a robotic butler. Might I inquire as to where I am?"_ It asked her in what sounded like an educated voice.

Louise backed away from the thing.

"Um… what?" Louise asked it.

The thing remained silent for a moment.

"Mr. Colbert do you recognize this thing?" Louise shouted back to her balding teacher.

The man in question adjusted his glasses, and stared at it.

"I've never seen such a thing before… perhaps I could find something on it in our library." Colbert responded.

" _Not a language I have ever heard before, that is for certain!"_ The machine shouted in its weird, slightly annoying language.

Louise shook her head. Only one of these creatures could be her familiar, so why did she summon two of them? She placed a hand on her chin.

"The floating one isn't really alive, I can tell. You can't make that one your familiar Ms. Valliere, but the man on the ground over there is, look at his hand." Mr. Colbert stated.

Louise looked at the hand that her teacher had pointed out, and saw fleshy fingers poking out of a weird metallic glove. On its forearm was some sort of contraption that glowed a sickly green light. So it was a knight in armor! Which meant that he had lips…

Lips that she had to kiss.

Her face grew red.

"What's wrong Louise? Go claim your prize." Kirche taunted.

Her long red hair covered on half of her face, and her white shirt was barely big enough to hide her assets. The black cloak the Zerbst wore brushed against the top of the green grass, held in place by a single yellow pin over the top of her chest. On the pin was etched the symbol of a star. Every student at the academy wore similar garments, save for the first years, which wore brown cloaks.

Louise ignored the tan skinned harlot, and walked over to the knight. At least she summoned someone that appeared to have combat experience; she might have died if she had summoned a commoner with no skills whatsoever. The armor was dented, scratched, and looked burnt in some places, meaning that he could have even fought with some sort of fire mage at some point.

She let out a silent scream with the realization that this might be some sort of nobility. Would she even be allowed to have such a person as a familiar? What if he himself had a familiar? What if that floating ball staring at everyone was his familiar? What would that make it?

She shook her head once more. Either way, he would be her familiar; he would dress her, clean up after her, and brush her hair if she demanded it! She kneeled down next to the knight, and placed her hands on either side of the metal helmet. The thin black visor showed nothing on the other side of it, not even the slightest glimmer of eyes. She gulped, and tugged on the helmet.

It didn't come off.

She tugged again, her face reddening with the effort. She briefly gave up, and let out a breath.

"Try twisting and then pulling zero!" She heard Guiche Grammont shout.

She turned her hateful gaze towards the blonde.

"Don't call me zero you puffed up pillow biter!" She shouted.

Guiche's jaw dropped, along with several others around him. She turned away from them once more, and this time, twisted the helmet, and pulled. The helmet came off easily. The first thing she saw was his hair.

It was black as night, and reached down to his shoulders. It was very oily, as if he hadn't cleaned his hair in a while. Surrounding his mouth was an equally black, bushy beard (She would have to have it trimmed later) which was also oily. He smelled of dust and blood, and Louise gulped once more. He wasn't that bad looking at least; if he trimmed that hideous beard down he might be really handsome.

She leaned down, and locked her lips against his. Louise paused for a moment, and then broke off the kiss, standing back over the man. His flesh began to glow red, and steam rolled off of his exposed flesh. Suddenly, the familiars eyes shot open and he sat up screaming. Everyone flinched back away from the sound, and he glared at everyone with cold blue eyes.

" _What the shit!?"_ He shouted. _"Fuckin' what!?"_

He looked to his feet, and patted his foot on the grass experimentally.

" _Holy fuck! Waddy boy look its grass! I bet Dogmeat'd love to shit on this stuff!"_ He shouted. " _Hell, I'm half tempted to take off my armor and lay a load down myself in front of all of these… all of these…"_

He paused.

" _Is this a joke? Kids? Some bald old guy?"_ He said.

He stared at the stone center building of the academy, and tilted his head. He turned to look at the other buildings that were connected to the center tower via stone walkway, and he looked to the sky.

" _Shit doesn't look fuckin' irradiated at all."_ He said, looking down to the odd device on his wrist.

He fiddled with a few dials on it, and his jaw dropped.

" _Not even background radiation? Did this place just skip out on nuclear winter?"_ He said.

Louise frowned, and walked up to the man, crossing her arms at him. He matched her annoyed glare, and to the onlookers, it appeared as if lightning was flashing between the two of them. She was so much _smaller_ than he was, he towered over her. Her guess was that he was six foot four inches _without_ the armor on.

" _Is there a problem kid? Lose your fuckin' mommy or somethin'? If not, get the fuck out of my face."_ He stated, his frown deepening.

Louise didn't need to speak his language to understand that she had been insulted. She could tell that this was going to be a very… ugh… 'great' relationship.

 **What did you think?**

 **Leave a fucking review and let me know you rotten cunt.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here you go.**

Michael continued to glare into the girls pink irises, channeling his inner rage into it as much as possible. The little shit didn't even flinch! He clenched his teeth, and his right eye began twitching.

"Who the fuck even has pink hair? That's so fuckin' dumb, you dumb bitch." Michael taunted.

Michael was surprised when she leapt up, and smacked him across the face. It felt like a bug bite. The Lone Wanderer saw a choice before him, he could kill everyone around him and leave, or he could play along and see where this goes. He was _really_ leaning towards the killing everything routine, especially because he had just been slapped… but Michael was a man of variation… well, sometimes anyhow.

He turned his head back down to the girl, and was about to retort with another insult, but was cut off when he grabbed his wrist and began tugging him along with her towards one of the towers that made up this campus. The stone that it was constructed from didn't look worse for wear at all, like it was carved right out of a quarry instead of being built from desiccated ruins.

" _As my familiar you will learn to do as I say!"_ the girl shouted.

Michael rolled his eyes.

"Waddy boy grab my helmet!" Michael shouted to the robot.

That wasn't English that was for damn sure.

This is gay.

"Listen pinky… um… no ablo espanol? Somethin' like that. No she isn't speakin' Spanish…" Michael muttered. "Just speak English you shit!" He shouted at her.

" _Stop with the yelling!"_ she shouted back.

"No you!" Michael shouted back.

He wasn't sure what she said, but it had to be something along the lines of 'stop that' right?

She continued to lead him towards one of the towers that was connected by the wall, and she pushed open the brown oaken door. Red carpet adorned the floors, and purple curtains covered long windows with little sunlight leaking in. The stairs were made of stone, which the little shit was still leading him on to wherever.

Wadsworth followed after them, and Michael sighed.

"Sir what have you gotten us into?" The machine asked him.

Michaels face contorted in a sort of 'bitch what?' face, and he glared at the robot.

"Wadsbitch, what the **fuck** did **you** get us into you fuckin' retard?" Michael asked. "If you can't remember, I'm here because I was tryin' to bravely and mightily save your stupid robot ass. If I hadn't done anything I would be at home doing nothing!" Michael shouted.

Wadsworth said nothing in response.

"That's what I thought. Keep your damn floppy shut when you're going to say something dumb like that." Michael told it.

"That's very uncalled for sir." Wadsworth told him. "I don't have a floppy."

" _Would you both shut it!?"_ The girl shouted as they stopped in front of another door.

"Quiet washboard tits!" Michael shouted.

She smacked him again, and Michael laughed.

"Pansy ass slapping skills. Amata hits _way_ harder than that." Michael stated.

She huffed, and then opened the door, dragging him inside of a bedroom. The floor looked to be made of cobbled stone and the ceiling and walls appeared to be built from brown planks of wood. On the right side of the room was a brown dresser with a large round mirror atop of it. On the opposite side, a large queen sized bed greeted his vision. Michael smiled at the bed, he was definitely stealing that, he deserved it. The wooden bed posts had pink draw curtains on them which were pinned up. Right next to the bed was a pile of yellow hay.

Michael squinted at that. Why was there hay in here? Did she keep a fuckin' horse in here or something? She led him into the center of the room along with Wadsworth, and then shut the door behind her. She walked back up to him, and pulled out a brown stick, and waved it in the air while reciting some words in her stupid language.

"Seriously? Bibbity bobbity boo to you too I guess!" Michael laughed. "Starting to think this is New Zealand or some shit I don't know. I think they didn't get bombed."

Michael's eyes widened with the realization that if this was indeed New Zealand, he was on the opposite side of the world. Far away from his home, and his guns. That hit him like a truck. All of his babies were trapped back in America! What if someone broke into his house and took his guns!? Michael's shoulders slumped.

The girl finished chanting, and flicked her wand one more time. Michael wasn't expecting to be blown backwards into the wall. It knocked the breath out of him, and Wadsworth flew into the dresser, damn near knocking the mirror off of it.

"What the actual fuck!? Did she have a fucking grenade!?" Michael shouted.

The pink haired girl looked at him.

"That was supposed to be a spell of silence…" She muttered.

"Oh that's just wonderful! You dumb broad, now you can suddenly speak English? And the fuck you mean spells?" Michael asked.

The girl took a step back.

"There is no way you're nobility with such a vile tongue!" She shouted. "I am Louise Valliere, and I am your master. You are my familiar."

Michael furrowed his brow, and took a deep breath, taking a step towards her.

"You listen here you stupid little cunt. You are not my fuckin' master." Michael told her.

Louise's face went red with rage.

"How _dare_ you speak to me in such a fashion! You need discipline!" She shouted, walking over to her dresser.

She pulled out a long brown horse whip, and smacked it against the palm of her hand. Michael scoffed.

"Well shit are ya gonna tie me up too? That's pretty fuckin' kinky. I get it now kid; you want to be a dom. I'm not into that whole thing, so you can drop that stupid lil' whip you got there." Michael told her, laughing.

Her face went from red from rage to red with embarrassment.

"T-that's not what this is for!" She shouted in her defense. "You disrespected me, so you have to be beaten accordingly!"

Michael flashed a toothy grin.

"Oh I've been a naughty boy miss Valliere!" Michael shouted with fake ecstasy. "Please hit me _hard_ so I'll know better! Should I get the nipple clamps or do you have them at the ready?"

Louise completely dropped the whip, and covered her face with both hands.

Michael: 1 Louise: 0

"Aw look Waddy boy she's embarrassed!" Michael shouted.

Wadsworth said nothing.

"Oh forget about the discipline for now!" Louise shouted. "What is your name?"

The Lone Wanderer smiled again.

"I need a piece of paper, it's hard to pronounce." Michael told her. "It's a… cultural thing."

He had to try his best not to burst up laughing.

Louise furrowed her brow, and shrugged.

"Fine." She said, pulling out a quill pen from a drawer along with a blank white sheet of paper.

Michael took it from her with a smile, and he wrote down his 'name' with gusto. Once he was finished, he handed the paper back to her. She read it aloud.

"Eaamaretawd…" She said. "Wait a second…"

Michael: 2 Louise: 0

Michael fell to his knees and busted up laughing. Never in his life did he think anyone would fall for that, until he met Louise that was. He pointed a finger at her.

"Why yes you are!" He shouted.

Louise crumpled the paper, and ran up to Michael, shoving the crumpled up paper down his throat.

"I'll make you eat those words!" Louise shouted.

Louise: 1 Michael: 2

Michael gagged, and almost puked out the paper. Louise retracted her hand, and he pulled it out.

"Ah what the shit!? Who does that!?" Michael shouted.

Louise crossed her arms and smirked.

"I do." She said.

Michael coughed, and quickly ran up to her, pulling the top part of her shirt open.

"F-Fiend!" She shouted, her face reddening.

Michael took the wet saliva covered paper and through it down there, quickly shutting the shirt again.

"Ew! Ew!" She shouted, struggling to remove the paper.

Michael: 3 Louise: 1

"Don't play with fire if you don't want to get burnt!" Michael shouted.

She took out her wand, recited some more words, and blasted him backwards once again, coating his armor with a layer of black soot.

"What the fuck!?" Michael shouted. "Okay truce! Truce!"

Louise frowned at him, and removed the paper gingerly, wiping her fingers on her blouse.

"What is wrong with you!? You should be drawn and quartered for such behavior!" Louise shouted.

Michael rolled his eyes.

"Fucking whatever! Is this New Zealand?" Michael asked her.

Louise raised a single eyebrow at him.

"New what?" She asked.

Michael frowned.

"New Zealand?" He repeated.

They both remained silent for a moment.

"No." Louise said. "This is Tristain."

Michael frowned further. The fuck was Tristain? Was that European?

"Oh." He said.

What else should he ask then?

"What is your actual name?" Louise asked with a sigh.

Michael attempted to brush off some of the soot.

"It's Michael." He told her. "Lone Wanderer from vault one O one."

Louise furrowed her own brow.

"Never heard of it. Enough pleasantries, time for you to perform your duties as my familiar." She stated. "First order of business, brush my hair."

Michael scoffed.

"The fuck do you think I am? I ain't your fuckin' butler got it? You don't own me; nothin' cages this free bird in unless I want to be caged in." Michael told her.

Before they could engage in another shouting match, Wadsworth floated between them.

"Miss Valliere if I may, I am capable of brushing your hair. I am a Mr. Handy; it is what I was built for. I can take care of your daily needs, Michael cannot. He is physically incapable of anything besides drinking and coming up with playground insults. Leave all of those needs to me I implore you." Wadsworth told her.

Michael had to try his damndest not to clock the machine in one of its eyes, but if it meant this little shit leaving him alone then whatever. Louise placed a hand on her chin for a moment.

"Very well, but Michael you will be expected to obey me in the future." She said.

Michael grinned again.

"Nipple clamps then? Maybe you got some lubed up beads you wanna jam up my ass?" Michael asked her.

Louise's jaw dropped with horror.

"You're disgusting! How could I summon someone so vile!?" She shouted.

Michael cocked his head.

"Summon?" He asked. "Is that was the green portal thing was? Are you tellin' me that magic is real? Cause my mind is open to that shit. There was one time I went to this place called the Dunwhich-"He started.

"Of course magic is real!" Louise announced. "What rock have you been living under?"

Michael crossed his arms.

"A big one." He told her. "With a big ass gear for a door that said one O one on the front of it."

Louise remained silent.

"By the way, is this at least America?" Michael asked. "Canada maybe?"

Louise continued to remain silent.

"Oh you've gotta be shitting me. How can you not have heard of the good US of A?" Michael asked.

"None of those places exist." She told him.

Michael remained silent for a minute.

"No." Michael said. "No no no!" He shouted.

Louise took another step back from him as he looked to his pip boy.

"Gotta be a fluke there ain't no fuckin' way that happened!" Michael shouted.

Nothing was coming up on the map, meaning that the satellites in orbit finally ceased operation or…

Nah, it couldn't be. This had to be earth right? Had to be, the satellites just had to have gone down here right? These guys didn't look like aliens; therefore, this was still earth.

"Watch your language Michael! By the Founder if the other nobles hear you speaking in such a fashion…" Louise complained.

Michael shook his head.

"I don't give a damn about what your little friends think kid, if they got a problem with how I talk, then I'll hit em in the face!" Michael shouted.

Louise's jaw dropped.

"Oh most definitely not!" Louise yelled back. "You could be executed for such a stupid thing! Familiar or not!"

The Lone Wanderer crossed his arms.

"Nothin' here can execute me. I'll kill anyone who tries. Wasteland law right there." Michael said.

Louise took a deep, shaky breath, and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I don't know where you're from, but this isn't your 'wasteland,' this is Tristain! You will not punch anyone, not kill anyone, and most certainly not curse anyone's name!" Louise yelled.

Michael's eyes grew heavy, and he yawned, his stomach rumbling very audibly simultaneously.

"Whatever, you have any grub? Haven't eaten breakfast yet." Michael said.

"You don't get to eat today after your appalling behavior." Louise stated.

Michael walked over to the door.

"I'm leaving. It's been fun but I gotta go." He said, walking past her.

Louise sputtered with surprise as she tried to formulate words.

"Where exactly are you going!?" She asked him.

Michael paused for a moment, and looked back to her.

"Out of this shit hole you little pink shit." Michael stated. "I have a home ya know? I can't just leave all of my stuff there to get stolen."

Louise grabbed his wrist, and Michael frowned again.

"Please don't go." Louise asked. "I'll send for your things just please don't leave."

Michael cocked his head. He was pretty sure that she was going to nag at him, not beg him to stick around.

"Goddammit what the fuck do I get out of it?" Michael asked her.

Louise remained silent for a moment.

"A good place to sleep?" She asked.

Now it was Michaels turn to remain silent.

"And lots of booze. If you get me lots of booze I'll stick around for a while. I still need to get my guns but whatever, I'll just think of this as an extended vacation." Michael told her.

It wasn't that bad here, and hell, he deserved a vacation. Where better than in a place with no smog, radiation, or stupid neighbors?

…

Actually the stupid neighbor thing might still apply; there were other rooms right next to this one after all. Louise let out a breath of relief.

"Thank you, but we do need to work on your language, and I'll have to show you how to speak like a true gentlemen. None of the bumpkin speech you seem adept at." Louise said. "Also your posture, if you were some sort of four legged beast I would allow you to stand however you wanted, but as a man, you will stand straight as a pillar-"

Michael raised a single finger to her lips.

"I'm hearin' a lot of demands but no confirmation on what _I_ want. Can you get me booze or not? Cause if you say not I'm gettin' the fuck outta here." Michael told her.

Louise contained a silent scream of rage, and regained her senses, knocking Michaels hand away.

"Yes, I can get you your alcohol." She said. "But you will listen to the things I have to say Michael."

Michael frowned.

"I said I'd stick around, I didn't say that I'd be your fuckin' slave. Like I said before, I was already a slave. That sucked, I ain't doin' that again." Michael told her.

Louise looked to the ground.

"I didn't realize you were enslaved… I apologize." She said.

Michael smiled.

"Then I guess I'm sorry for being a dick. Kind of." (He wasn't) "So what did we learn today?"

Louise narrowed her eyes at him.

"That's right; I am no one's bitch. If any of your friends give me shit, they are going to get shit back one way or another. Don't try and tell me not to fuckin' do it, cause I will." Michael said.

"Will you at the very _least_ show me some respect?" Louise asked him, her voice dripping with venom.

Michael scratched his cheek.

"Earn it then." Michael told her.

Louise glared at him.

"Can I not have it now? Why must I earn it from a familiar that I summoned?" Louise asked him.

Michael sighed.

"I don't freely give out respect pinky. You want that shit from me; you'll have to earn it. Find the biggest, toughest kid in this place, and beat the shit outta them." Michael told her.

Louise's jaw dropped.

"I am a lady! I will not stoop to something so barbaric!" She shouted.

Michael chuckled.

"You don't gotta physically beat the shit out of em. You could verbally smack someone down to, I love that shit." Michael said. "Now, as for the grub…"

Louise sighed.

"Yes, it's about lunch time anyhow. Just don't embarrass me. Most people leave their familiars to stay outside, I would prefer if you wait with them, but I'm sure that you would rather dine in a proper cafeteria." Louise said.

"Exactomundo pinky." Michael confirmed. "I ain't waiting with a bunch of animals."

Louise groaned.

"We have a great many other things to discuss, but please, _please_ remain silent during lunch." Louise ordered.

Michael shrugged his shoulders.

"No promises." He told her. "Just think of me as a… fuckin' force of nature or something. Like a fuckin' tornado, you can't stop it, so don't try."

Louise crossed her arms.

"We at the academy learn how to control such forces of nature, you are no different." She told him.

Michael clapped his hands.

"Damn good retort there pinky, lets grab lunch. Lead the way cause I don't know where the fuck I'm going." Michael said. "And Waddy boy clean this place up goddammit there's fuckin' soot fuckin' everywhere."

The robot replied with a sigh of its own, and after Michael and Louise exited the room, the sound of a whirring mechanism could be heard on the other side of the now closed door. Louise led him on towards the cafeteria, Michael drawing several stares from the other students around him.

And he stared back at them.

None maintained the eye contact for longer than a second, and he grinned, following after the short girl all the while. They walked back out into the courtyard he originally arrived in, and Michael rubbed his eyes just in case he was seeing things.

He saw several creatures that even radiation would have a hard time creating. He saw a giant blue dragon, a huge red salamander thing, and a fucking floating eyeball. It even had lashes. He didn't keep eye contact with that one. Those things are what familiars are usually summoned from? Why the hell did Louise think that he had to behave like a butler? These things look more like something that'd be treated like exotic pets, not servants.

He wasn't expecting a salamander to brush some fuckers hair, and he sure as shit knew that a floating eyeball wasn't going to be cleaning jack shit. Michael _could_ do all those things, but he wasn't gonna fuckin' do it. Wadsworth would.

They entered in a massive stone room with several posh chairs adjacent next to wooden tables. Several students were seated in almost all of the chairs, but there were large pockets of chair space with no one in them. Louise made a beeline for one of those empty spaces. Michael followed after her, drawing several stares, to which Michael stared back with a mad tooth filled smile.

They stopped staring soon afterwards.

Louise took her seat in front of a nice looking plate of steak and potatoes. Michael's mouth watered, he hadn't seen a proper steak and potatoes since the vault. He pulled out the chair next to Louise after she took her seat, and he sat down. The stares started again, this time accompanied by hushed whispers. Louise looked over to him wide eyed.

"Michael sit on the floor." She whispered, restraint evident in her voice. "Only nobles are allowed seats at the table."

The Lone Wanderer scoffed.

"As if, I ain't a fuckin' dog pinky, I'll sit where I damn well fucking please." Michael said loudly.

He heard several snickers from someone sitting behind him. His face went red with rage and he stood up almost instantly before Louise could react.

"Alright who has the balls?" Michael asked, staring at the back of the chair.

A boy stood up from his chair, and placed his hands on his hip. His brown hair looked wet, as if he had just washed it, and he brushed it back with his hand.

"How pathetic Louise, you can't even keep your own familiar under control! Truly you are a zero, and you familiar? You serve a loser, that very same zero, and by extent, you yourself are a zero!" He shouted, laughing.

Other students began snickering, and Michael took a deep breath, shooting a glance over to Louise.

She held her head low to the table, and Michael heard her sniffling, and saw tears drip to the table. Michael didn't like it when people were crying, no matter how much of a rotten kike they could be. Unless it was a raider of course.

He looked back to the smug student, who was much smaller than he was, and grinned.

"You fuckin' idiot." Michael said, gasps audible throughout the whole cafeteria. "She actually summoned the best familiar of all time, I've killed scores of arrogant assholes like you, but you know what the difference was between you and them? They had bigger muscles, and guns. You don't got neither."

The kid opened his mouth to retort, but Michaels hand had already wrapped itself around his throat. His brown eyes widened with surprise and Michael quickly turned him around. He reared him back, and slammed his face into his plate of food.

"Have a taste of it rich boy!" Michael shouted. "You fuckin' talk to me or Louise like that again and I'll do more than just this!"

Several more students backed away from the scene, and Louise gasped, wiping away her tears.

"I'm the strongest familiar here! I could kill every single one of the other ones outside if I wanted to! Remember that when you want to fuckin' imply that I'm a zero you rotten cunt!" He shouted, rubbing the boy's face in the food further.

The boy let out a muffled cry as potatoes and the steaks juices made their way up his nose and soaked his face. He pulled the kids head back, and sat him back in his chair. The kid remained wide eyed, and his legs were shaking with fear. Michael chuckled, and grabbed a cup of water that was sat next to the kid's food. He took a sip of it, and poured the rest over the students head.

"Starting today kid, you're my bitch." He told him, setting the cup back down on the table.

The gasps didn't stop.

"If any of you cumfuckered little twats disrespect me or pinky ever again; you'll get way worse than just that. I'll make you all my bitches if I have to. I don't give a damn about who daddy is." Michael said. "I'll be your fuckin' daddy."

He took the plate, and sat down next to his chair. He took his fork, slammed it into the meat, and raised it to his mouth. The Lone Wanderer sunk his teeth into the steak, and pulled, ripping off half of it. He chewed silently, as did everyone else in the room. The kid he just taught a lesson silently sobbed.

This time Michael didn't feel bad for it.

…

…

…

Louise wanted to scream. She wanted to shout, throw something, hit Michael, anything! But she could do nothing but sit on the edge of her bed, staring at her reflection in the mirror as Michael stood next to the bed, his arms crossed and tapping one foot on the ground. A few minutes of silence passed between the two of them.

"He was fuckin' asking for it." Michael said.

Louise wanted to shout at him, but that really didn't get anything done when it came to him. She took a deep, shaky breath.

"Do you know what could happen to you after pulling that stunt? Do you know what could happen to me?" Louise asked. "You could be executed, and I would become even more of a laughing stock! What is wrong with you!?" She shouted, losing all former composure.

She just couldn't believe what she had summoned. A crass, arrogant, extremely violent armored man with no respect for nobility. Or anything really in general. Michael chuckled.

"Well shit if any of em' laugh at me again they'll get the same shit, and executed for teaching that little fuckwit some manners?" He asked. "That's proper justice for ya."

Louise clacked her teeth together.

"I bet if someone smashed your face into a plate of food, you would have just killed them! Am I wrong!? Tell me I'm wrong!" She ordered.

Michael's eyes widened, and he rose a single finger for a moment, and then put it back down soon afterwards.

Louise: 2 Michael: 3

"I mean maybe… Fuckin' shit." Michael retorted.

"I'm sure his parents will already be requesting some sort of punishment from the princess… I feel like she would be lenient. Maybe, so please, in the future, hold your tongue." Louise told him.

Michael sat down cross legged.

"No can do, it fuckin' goes against everything I am. I say shit, people react, that's kind of my shtick." Michael told her. "I mean fuckin' hell."

Louise frowned.

"Do you even care about what happens around you!?" Louise shouted. "How can you be so callous?"

Michael squinted at her.

"He was acting like a dick!" Michael shouted back. "I don't gotta tell you shit about me bein' fuckin' callous or whatever the fuck."

Louise clapped her hands.

"Just you speaking shows how unintelligent you are Michael!" Louise shouted. "Can you add one to one? I don't think you can!"

Michael stood up, and bared his teeth in rage like a rabid wolf.

"Do you know what gravity is pinky? How bout' plasma?" Michael asked her. "And it's two you fucking tool."

Louise froze. Gravity… gravity… gravity…

"You don't even know what fuckin' gravity is, and your dumbass is telling me that I'm dumb?" Michael scoffed. "Here's a fuckin' lesson for ya, the planet is big, and the planet is dense. Its mass is so intense that it fuckin' draws other smaller objects towards it. It's like a fuckin' cosmic magnet, whenever you pick something up, your resisting the pull of gravity."

Michael: 4 Louise: 2

He grabbed a book off of the dresser, and held it high above the ground.

"Here's an example, as soon as I drop this, the fuckin' book will hit the ground, like the ground is like a giant fuckin' magnet, because it pretty much is. Except it doesn't just draw metals." He said, dropping the book to the ground with a thud.

Louise remained silent. That actually… made sense to her, in Michael's stupid bumpkin speech anyhow.

"Plus pinky, there are different forms of fuckin' intelligence okay. There isn't just one form of smarts. Mathematical intellect is not the only form of intelligence. There's philosophical intellect, artistic intellect, and even fucking situational intellect!" He shouted. "So the next time you call someone dumb, clarify what kind of shit they're acting dumb about you shit!"

Louise lost any sense of herself, and leapt up from the mattress, a fist raised. Michael pushed her back on the bed with minimal effort, and Louise tried again, and again, and again.

"Goddamn you would not last long in the wasteland pinky. A raider would've just shot you by now, least of all fuckin' push you around like this." Michael said, smirking.

Louise said nothing, continuing to scream her head off as she tried to brain Michael with her tiny fist. They spent an hour like that, with Michael pushing her back onto the bed with every single leap she took. At the end of that hour, she lay face down on the bed, wheezing for air.

"You're fuckin' tenacious I'll give ya that pinky." Michael said. "I just want to help you with those little shits, cause if I'm not wrong, you get bullied a lot. I beat up bullies, let me beat them up."

Louise said nothing, continuing to try and catch her breath.

"Well, I'm still hungry, I'm gonna go to the fuckin' kitchen and see if they got any leftovers." Michael told her.

Louise wanted to scold him and tell him to stay, but she was too exhausted to form the words. He opened the door slowly, and shut it behind him, whistling a tune on the way out. Louise eventually sat up from her prone position, and felt her eyes moisten. Was it too much to ask for a regular familiar? Sure, she wanted one that would be awesome like Tabitha's dragon, but no. She had to summon Michael, of all the billions of creatures in existence; she had to summon the rudest, most violent, disrespectful, arrogant ass in all of creation!

Yet he defended her honor at lunch. Louise did not approve of his method of dealing with that student, but there was something in her that felt satisfied. He announced that he was the strongest familiar there in front of all of the students in there. Some of the more competitive students would probably see that as a formal challenge.

She frowned when she realized that; if that was indeed the case, he would have to fight a few familiars, maybe even the nobles themselves if they themselves challenged him to a duel. She placed a hand on her chin. Duels…

That was it; she knew exactly what Michael could do to put people in their place legally without repercussions!

 **I did it again, thanks for the reviews assholes.**

 **Next batch of reviews please, the more I get the faster these come out.**


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